Stranded in St Helens! I mean resting and recovering in St Helens!
Today I knew I had to rest. I slept terrible last night, with anxiety creeping in at every opportunity. I woke up to incredible stiffness and a sore right side and back – much to be expected I guess. I dosed up on painkillers and took it easy for the morning. After lunch I decided to take the bike out for a ride, I really wanted to see if the bike was still good, and how my head would feel. I had a slight headache but otherwise felt okay to be on the bike. I was a little ambitious thinking I could do a 50km round trip to Bay of Fires (A place I really want to explore!) It was a flat ride and the wind seemed to be in my favour.
Well shit. I got 3.5km in and felt dizzy and faint and my head couldn’t deal with the vibrations from the ride. I stop and spend some time just at the coast where I’m at before turning around and heading back to town. I’m frustrated and feeling demoralised (I’m not even sure if thats the right word to describe how I’m feeling, but something along those lines)
So back at the hostel, I chill out all afternoon. I read, I blog, I nap. I also wash clothes and sort through my bags. I’m emotional at the thought of not being able to finish the ride. My head is hurting and I can’t risk being out on the road like this. The next few days are total wilderness and heading up to a mountain. Being out on the bike this afternoon scared the shit out of me. As much as I hate to admit it, every car that went past me made me anxious and tense. It’s a shit feeling. I know some fear is healthy, but this has really shaken me. I’ve never really been afraid of being out on my bike or anywhere by myself. But my confidence has been a little shot.
It’s almost like my head and heart have stopped fighting. My head doesn’t feel like its in the bike ride anymore. During the last few days I’ve felt like my heart wasn’t in it and this wasn’t the right time. It really is quite amazing how emotional a ride can make me, it brings out all sorts of shit. And being sent flying by a car makes you question if you’re being stupid being out here by yourself and taking on something that maybe you aren’t quite ready for.
I have booked a bus to Launceston tomorrow. I will see how that goes and then decide on the next step. I’m not a quitter but I feel like this is a fight that I have no control over and I have to let me body tell me what to do. I thought it was a case of mind over matter, but a bash to the head is way more serious than that. I hate this hurdle but I’m sure there is a lesson in it somewhere.
That’s my ‘downer’ post out the way. Send over all the positive vibes and healing! Tomorrow…. another day!
Almost forgot to mention – people are awesome. I’ve appreciated all the messages. I definitely never feel alone where ever I am in the world and with whatever crazy thing I’m up to.